List Five Possible Openings For Your Autobiography
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
1. The words 'Peanut Butter' and 'I love you' are going to be excessively used throughout this novel.
2. I never did like milk.
3. I've always hated my name: Eva Alexis Carrillo. The word 'Carrillo' just sounded nasty to me. Bleh.
4. I think this book is going to be boring, BUT, that's for you to decide. It's just gonna be a mess of thoughts and actions that I've wished I could've done. Man, I suck.
5. I've always wanted to go to an era that was just mixed with all those rad decades like the 60's, 70's, 80's and possibly the 90's. That would've been so awesome.
1. Songs of Solomon 8:6,7
2. I am having a love affair with God.
3. Creativity.Love.Purity.
4.I am me because I am in Him.
5. Ephesian 5:1
1. With two opposing sides pumping far-fetched idealogy into one, yet fragile mind, there thrived a young philosopher, destined to remain anwerless.
2. The base of this life begins years before it started, in the hands of two couples seperated by oceans. My grandparents, battling the adversity of social stigmas. Both couples raised two children who would oneday meet, marry, and let their souls decompose. And what was their demise, became the stepping stones of one child, questioning everything. I digress:
3. The line between truth and falsity blurs, those who Darwin's theory would favour run from there, and find solice in ignorance. But I was never the fittest, and chose to live in this mixed reality, casting light in all directions, finding truth in the lies of my childhood.
4. A mind tortured and nurtured can create many things, and it's philosophy can lead astray. This has grown in such a mind: enjoy responsibly.
5. Memories, seen through panes of stained glass, scatter, frightened to be revealed when I reach inside my mind. Should evil be unveiled, I apologize. Should I lie to cover up the evil, I do it for your and my own good, and I apologize for that as well; if there's one thing this life has spoken to me, is that the truth is important. But my language is made of lies.
1. If you want something full of adventure, mystery and romance, put this book down and get another one. If you want a story full of heartbreak and pondering identity you have come to the right place.
2. This book is better if you skim it first, think what the hell, then read it again.
3. This is my life, i hope you like it.
4. Why the hell are you reading about my life you pervert!!
5. If you are the stalker that leaves dead roses on my doorstep please go away
1. This is a history of shit.
2. In youth, ignorance, I was itinerant.
3. A poor son of a visionary and the poor daughter of a vagrant had sex in Seattle in the late eighties. Consequences:
4. Vines; vines; vines; vines; insanity; birth on the first day of summer.
1. Welcome to my life.
2. Welcome to my life, abridged.
3. So you really had nothing better to do than read about some stranger's life? Really? Nothing at all? No friends to visit? No good movies out? Nothing on TV? How's your mom doing? Maybe you should call her. You're still here, eh? Alright then we shall move on ahead.
4. There once was a girl who's mind had thought up brilliant solutions to the world's greatest problems. She saved numerous people in her many adventures around the globe. Her life is the ideal model of the perfect human being. This is not that girl...
5. You know how sometimes you have to think to yourself, "how can I waste my time at a greater rate than what I am achieving currently?" This is the result of that thought.
1. All my life I have craved understanding: my understanding of others and theirs of me. I have understood many and been understood by few. This is a story about those few.
2. There once was a girl who wanted only 3 things from life: intellectualism, great sex, and coffee. This is her story.
3. When I was young, I had a regular habit of talking to trees. What I did not realize was strange at the time was that they often answered.
4. I will not question your motives for reading this if you do not question my motives for writing it. or doing any of the things in it. take notes. learn. within these pages lie the detailed outlines of many mistakes you will never have to make.
5. You may not know this yet. but though I have not yet even begun, I can tell you that our story is not over. You may be the one I fall in love with and with whom I live happily ever after. as of now, the last few pages are blank.
... destined for brilliance. His name was Justice. And hers? Julienne. Honestly; what do you expect? That's just a way to cut carrots."
this in regards to my brother and me-- that definitely explains it.
1. how would you break an arm
2. regret is for the soft of heart, and hard of head.
3. in the beginning there was god, in the end there was god, and in between, there was every one else, and in the middle of all that, there i was trying find someone to talk to.
4. im almost dead, so i want someone to hear my story.
5. to my love, and to everyone that has loved me in return.
1. It took me a while to get here, and to love being here. To love this moment. And now that I'm here, I refuse to leave.
2. The day he came into my life, my world came together. The day he left, my world fell apart. But, as always, there was a story between the two.
3. Everthing I need to know in life I learned from a barman in a downtown pub.
4. I was brought up in a nice little Christian home - mother, father, over-protective grandparents, and the cutest puppy ever. I thought Christianity was about going to church on Sunday, being a good person, and always being happy. Then I met a man named Jesus Christ, and he wrecked my happy little existence.
5. A wise man once said "If fact be truth, then the truth hurts"...ok, he wasn't a wise man, but at 2am after a couple of shots, it sounded really deep...as did my life story.
I wonder how the world would have been, had I not been born. Would anyone have been lost without me? Would my parents still be together? Would my siblings never have been born as well? Would my fiance be in the arms of another woman? Thank God we'll never know.
I doubt it matters to you that I once hit a fence pole head on while learning to ride a bike. I also doubt you'd care that I jumped off the roof of my grandparents garage after watching Dumbo for the first time because I thought my ears would expand and that I could fly. I'll tell you about those times anyway since you already bought the book.
Who could have known that an adolecence full of cocaine, Flogging Molly, sex with strangers and way too much coffee would end up so wonderfully? And I thought I was going to hell...
When I was 7 I fell off a jungle gym right onto my back, oddly enough all I could think of at the time was an eagle that had snatched a chapati from my hand earlier. When I was 14 I fell off a bunk bed onto my back, that time my mind was blank.
The word "Love" is an odd one isn't it? How can one word so encompass all manner of emotion. I can say "I love my mother" or "I love food" and they both make perfectly good sense but that doesn't mean I would like to eat my mother or would have like my ancestors to have been aubergines.
Why isn't life enough?
I am a ghost writer and this is someone else's story.
I once participated in an exercise to list five possible opening for my biography. I am not using any of them.
I. There's a lot to be said for a chipped porcelain coffee mug.
II. A governor, a rodeo clown and a laundry technician walk into Ruby's lounge...
III. When the pain started, I was leaning against the pens, examining the flaking rust on my hands. Painting cattle pens - what an exercise in futility.
IV. Haven't you your own ilife to live; your own autobiography to write? Feigning interest in another's shortcomings can hardly be considered resourceful.
V. I always considered that building relationships was a superficial waste of time.
Mental atrophy should be avoided at all costs, I avoided it thus.
Self belief can be as big a motivator as self loathing, but an equal balance of both can lead to epic procrastination, except in this case.
When you meet someone who just gets you, drop your guard and hold your breath. I did, and my heart nearly burst.
Checking out of the 'brush brigade' was the best thing I have ever done. A turning point in my life in so many ways. It's been an eye-opening few years.
I am me.
I cannot remember what innocence felt like, but I can remember what it felt like to lose it.
My decisions have always been what has suffocated my dreams.
When life threw me lemons, I buried them and tried to forget about them. Then, one day, a lemon tree grew.
Getting married too young taught me to trust myself more than anyone.
If I get even a little upset I puke. Not the anorexic kind of puke, but the whatever-is-inside-of-me-is-making-me-sick kind of puke.
1. Someone smacked my ass, I took a deep breath.
2. My shoes are really bothering me today;life never slows down long enough for me to get those insoles I see on the television.
3. The cardboard box I was using as a spaceship was in danger of melting in the rain. So I removed my spaghetti strainer space helmet and docked my ship in the garage.
4. I wasn't sure what this crying, blood-soaked little critter was going to think of me when she finally opened her eyes. All I knew in that moment of pure adrenaline, excitement and fear, was that I thought the world of her.
5. It took me 30 years to realize that I would never be an astronaut.
- Whenever I stand on a street corner, I imagine my death or the death of my loved ones. I succumb to the expected grief for the briefest of moments. I take a breath then keep walking.
- Everyone believes that I am better than I actually am. Smarter, more creative, kinder, funnier. They are wrong. You. Are wrong.
1. I wish I could come up with something as epic as "In the beginning", unfortunately this will have to do.
2. Whenever I walk down stairs I imagine myself falling down and create the worst possible scenario in my mind, and smile to myself when I make it down unscathed.
3. I have never gotten over the fact that I never received my acceptance letter into Hogwarts, here is the life I was forced to live in the shadow of that disappointment.
4. The sun annoys me, I am perhaps the only person who is able to be annoyed by sunshine.
5. Wasn't life supposed to be like the Bearnstein Bears? Where are the treehouses?
1. I never really thought I'd kill myself setting rafters in the top of a barn in the winter. But here I am, on the hard dirt floor of the barn, an oak beam on top of me, dying...
2. Somebody, someone's daughter - she's standing all alone, with legs that are longer than this room... In a house, at a party, up on Shook Avenue... Well, I never meant to stay here this long...
3. Today I ate raw fish for the first time... Now, let me backtrack through all the events that brought me to tell you that.
4. I would rather spend my days lounging in a pool with a cold beer. But, as the economic downturn has turned my best friends an family into murderers and cannibals, I've locked myself in my basement and all I can do is eat soup and write...
5. I'd like to introduce you to myself. Wait - that's lame. Let's start over...
1. I willingly bought a box of kashi cereal. And I willingly bought a box of trix cereal. In the same day. And that is my autobiography.
2. Just because i took a key to my guitar to make it look "retro" doesn't make me a poseur does it? Does it? Just because I put an "Ithaca Is Gorges" bumper sticker on my car even though I live miles away from Ithaca doesn't make me a poseur does it? Does it?....okay it does.
3. It's too bad you'll forget about me an hour after finishing this book.
4. I dont take steps, I play a beat with my feet.
5. Before you read this, maybe you should worry about your own life, instead of mine.
1. As much as I regret things from the past, I'm generally happy, and if there's one thing I hope you learn from this, it is to be happy in the end.
2. Misunderstood genius does not fit me. Outgoing prodigy doesn't work either. I'm grey in a world that is black and white.
3. This is evidence that it does not matter what you think of yourself because everyone will always have something to say.
4. How do you overcome the fear of something you're not even aware you're afraid of?
5. If you're reading this, it means that the ideas I have in my head finally came out in music or some sort of creative medium and resonated in at least one person. If that is the case, I think I've done what I needed to do.
1. When I was 17 I sold my soul to a grocery store for $8.00 an hour, two years later I have yet to get it back.
2. My life has always been a very funny cautionary tail. Things never go the way that I plan them, and I expect that. I embrace these adventures, and because of that I have many stories to tell.
3. People tend to think that I'm a nice person, but really I don't know why? Maybe it's because they never get to hear what I say about them behind their backs. I think if they did they would change their minds. You see, I can only be funny when the joke is at the sake of another person.
4. Some people say that there are no stupid questions, I beg to differ.
5. When I got up today my feet hit the floor, so I guess were off to a good start.
@lovedaCHUB loveee your second one! lol...i always think that!but im pretty sure no matter how many time i get screwed over i'll never learn lol...also...your fourth one is greaat...i would totally read a book that opened that way!lol
1. People may think they know everything about me, which is why they may think this book wont have anything they don't already know. What they don't know is that I don't think everyone knows anything about me for two reasons: One is I'm scared to let people see everything and the other is I don't even think I know everything about me. So in this book I'll try my best, but you should probably know beforehand that this most likely won't be a complete autobiography of me.
2. I love the beach. Not because of the sand that you play with in between your toes, or the water that splashes against your legs on a warm day. I love it because its the one place I know I can go by myself to get away from everything and for that short time in life, absolutely nothing else matters.
3. People may think I'm naive. The difference between me and someone that really is naive is that I know whats going on. I just choose to not deal with it, or accept it and move on.
4. I tend to think that everything happens for a reason. Everything that happens to me I think was supposed to and although I had the power to change it, or the power to make a decision, I chose one thing over the other for some greater reason than what I know. I take responsibility for anything that happens in my life, but also have this idea that my life was supposed to be like that anyway. I can still change it, and if I want to I will; but I knew it was going to happen in some way, I'm just not mentally capable of realizing that or something.
5. I'm twenty and scared to death of what will happen when I finish college. My thoughts are possibly grad school when I'm done, but I'm scared that I will just use school as an excuse to escape the real world for the rest of my life.
@jaclynsawyer yay! i always thought that i was the only person on this earth that dispised fresh tomatoes. w00t! =)
1. I lie a lot. No, not lie, just embellish stories more often than not. That was a lie. Don't trust anything written in this book, it's probably an exaggeration. Exaggeration is my sugar-coated word for "just made up in my head as I'm writing".
2. I'm twenty years old, in college, and still waiting for "the best time of my life" to begin. Meanwhile, I'm definitely missing it.
3. Awkwardness is a second language to me. Soooo....thaaanks for reading my book......Yeeeeeeah.
4.I want theme music. Like, right now in the very beginning it would play something like "Welcome to the Jungle" or something. My psych professor would say that my selection of that song means something about me. I think it means that my psych professors a nutcase. I guess me calling him a nutcase is somehow significant in explaining my persona too, though.
5. I'm sick of playing a supporting role in my own story.
1/ Disclaimer: I have written most of the following tale of my life by copy/pasting phrases from other people's biographies, though every now and then I'll say something true.
2/ I have never played the lead in my own life.
3/ I hope you got this book for free, my friend.
4/ I'm a drinker with a writing problem, so bear with me.
5/ Boy am I glad that I've hired someone to do most of this for me.
1. I always wished my mother had named me Penny.
2. I'd be a much better person if I wasn't so fucking nice.
3. The trade off to being chubby; big tits. God is just.
4. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an orgasm and piss simultaneously. I'm sure it would be fantastic! I need to either find a man with a urine fetish or use my vibrator on the toilet. Nice to meet you.
5. I LOVE MEN.
1. Up to this point my whole life has been a lie, I've spent my entire life lying to please other people and making sure they are happy. I've neglected my own happiness in doing this.
2. I'm a gay, disabled, atheist, could I be any more different?
3. My one true friend has always been music, its always there when I need it, music has never lied to me, and if I don't like its opinion I can press skip.
4. I relate to noone.
5. I have a fear of everything.
1-I don't like fresh tomatoes. I like cooked tomatoes, ketchup, tomato soup, fried green tomatoes. I just can't eat them as they are.
2-I've spent my entire life trying to please other people and make sure they are happy. I've neglected my own happiness in doing this.
3-I remember the small insignificant things in my life. If I still remember them, were they really that insignificant?
4-I am a notorious procrastinator, that's why I'm going to write this later.
5-A good cup of hot tea always makes everything seem a little better. Pour yourself a cup right now, it's going to be a long journey...
1. My mom is a kindergarten teacher. She takes five minutes to answer a question. She thinks Dr. Suess is the smartest man that ever lived. My mom can't order in the drive-thru, or remember to pay the water bill. I'm just like her.
2. I've told hundreds of people that I love them, and it wasn't a problem until someone took me seriously.
3. When I was twelve I saw a video of Janis Joplin performing at Woodstock. I'm still not the same.
4. When people say "live without regret", I laugh. Who decided living without regret was a good idea?
5. Yeah. My dad's a rockstar. But I was voted most likely to be on SNL in the eleventh grade.
@ohitsrebecca - yours is my favorite. Thank you for a glimpse into your soul.
1.) I was once told by a magician, who took his name from a Dicken's novel, to do everything i do better. This put me on track to become a great director and person, immersing myself in art and language and the history of being.
2.) I thought i'd write the truth, but being as I've lied more than i've truthed, i think i'll stick with what works the best.
3.) Acting doesn't have anything on living and i see that now.
4.) As Bukowski said, "don't try"
5.) Some say all you need is love, but i think thats a bunch of bullshit.What about a house and some clothes, perhaps that obnoxiously large flatscreen LED robot fuckdoll HDTV? and let me tell you i can't live without cellphones and cameras, ipods (not mp3 players) and MACS. I LOVE THIS MACHINE. so i guess in a way, all you need is love and something to save that love to be remembered years later when that love is old and wilted.. or making tracks to the nearest train station with your wallet and pants.
1. Be warned I think in metaphor and talk in similies.
2. Contrary to popular belief I am indeed a black man.
3. Tactfully Classless. You'll probably not enjoy this.
4. I trust no one.
5. If you wanna laugh keep reading. Im 12th street puddle New York deep.
1. I always planned to be the crazy cat lady in the New York apartment, I just didn't plan for it to be this soon.
2. No, I'm not big boned and it's not in my genes. I eat a lot of sweets and lost the will to exercise.
3. I'm sorry, I didn't think anyone would hear me curse in church.
4. I tried to love him the best he I could, but I guess some people are, were made to be alone. And I guess I'm one of them.
5. I lived my life the best of my abilities. And now I entrust in you the task of reading and deciding if I failed.
-- Sorry to disappoint you right from the jump, but I had a happy childhood.
-- I honestly think the world would be a kinder place if women wore more red lipstick and men wore more pinstripes. Maybe not kinder, but definitely more fabulous.
-- Yes, I'm from New Orleans. Yes, my house was flooded in Hurricane Katrina. Yes, I'm gonna talk about it.
-- Don't believe the hype you hear about New Orleans. We're not always wasted and flashing our tits on Bourbon Street. We're usually just buzzed in the privacy of our own home.
-- My greatest accomplishment is that I quit biting my nails. But I still smoke, so there's nowhere to go but up!
1. I remember seeing a duck dunk its head in the water and its tail end stick up. She had her chicks by her and they followed suit. I envied them making it look so easy.
2. Nothing is wrong with dipping French fries into vanilla ice cream. Nothing.
3. I open my mouth and try to speak to you, but I can't. It's not that I can't find the words; I just don't know where to begin.
4. I find it way easier to talk with my eyes closed. I find it easier to smile with my eyes closed. I don't recommend doing either of these while walking because you can hit doors.
5. My mind is my own friend and enemy. Sometimes I really would love to listen to what my heart wants, but my brain is an overbearing SOB.
1. I probably didn't mean to offend you. I'm just tactless. It's a blessing and a curse, really, because not everyone likes to hear the truth. I think that hearing the truth makes things simpler, and I think it makes me stronger. I don't hear it quite often enough, though.
2. I keep dripping coffee on my jeans. The cups at the cafe are environmentally friendly, but not always up to par when it comes to containing liquid. And it drips on my jeans. I don't mind. My hanes white tee is still fresh and clean. No one is going to notice those little drips of coffee on my jeans, unless they come and look very very closely.
3. I've always wanted my life to be like a movie, and every other moment, I feel like it is...only better. You just can't write this stuff.
4. Someone very close to me once told me I should live without regret. I try to. Sometimes I think I should regret, but I don't. I don't know for sure if that's a good thing.
5. I can't say I've ever been at a loss for words. And it's my downfall.
1. I'd like to let you know that no matter how hard I tried, I could have done better. I've made mistakes but never regrets. I've done things I never thought I would do. And even though my life isn't over yet, I feel as though I could die tomorrow and that would be alright.
2. I say "I love you" too much. It's strange how I can totally displace myself from three words that people all over the world are dying to hear. It's not that I haven't been in love. Or that I haven't had my heartbroken. I've just always been able to feel nothing when I want to and feel everything when I need to.
3. Looking back on it all, I could have done something about where I've ended up. I could have turned that corner or bought that shirt or loved you. I guess in the end we all have decisions we had to make and I have to be okay with where mine have gotten me. Even if it's not where I want to be.
4. I'd rather have something simple. A simple house in a simple city with a simple life. I read so many books and watched so many movies as a child where people strived for something greater than they are. I'd rather just snuggle up with someone and listen to the rain fall. Maybe, it's my lack of motivation or the fact that I don't have the means to go looking for more. Maybe, there's something wrong with me. Or maybe there's something wrong with you.
5. I think too much. No. Scratch that. I daydream too much. Many people don't see the difference in these two things. Thinking is when you're trying to figure something out, trying to analyze what just happened or what you should do or all of the above. Daydreaming is when your mind travels to places and people and things that you can never have and can only imagine about. I daydream too much, but I guess that's because I don't have very much to think about.
1. Sadism has such a negative stigma attached to it. I love chaos and confusion. I think in frantic, serious and heart-pumping situations we learn things about ourselves.
2.) Hate is the most honest emotion. It's ridiculously easy to find out if someone hates you.
3.) Love is the most dishonest emotion. There's is no way to truly know if someone loves "you." The insincerity some have when using the word is revealed almost immediately.
4) Everyone has an agenda, an ideology that they live by. This is why I embrace cynicism. No one can be truly trusted.
5.) We all have to play with the cards we're dealt. Some have royal flushes and hit the ground running, while others have no pairs of any kind and they do their best to buff their way to the jacket pot...or just mope, get up from the table and accept negativity.
1. I am misplaced, altho happy, still misplaced..
2. I love mixing church and state, politics and religion, oil and water, all the things that shouldnt mix. I love mixing
3. Difference is good
4. If we all held respect and compassion for our fellow man at the core, life would be good...now think about this hard...it is true!
5. Why? why?...why?
5.
Hints for reading this book:
1. If you haven't brought your sense of humor forget about it.
2. You can drag the girl out of the Rocky Mountains, but you can NEVER get the mountains out of the girl.
3. You can pretty much skim over the middle part: Its just about 20 some odd years of trying to get free.
4. It probably ends up being about that crazy lady who has long grey hair and too many critters.
5. That stuff about all gods being one god and us all being of one spirit - that turns out to be true.
1. I was born. My Mother, later, would tell me, in front of several others, that I was born into the wrong family - one may imagine how upsetting that new was. That comment was made in a time when I believed that everything mom said was a fact - I know, now, the comment was an opinion.
2. I think, now, I've done it mostly wrong. I did one thing right, for sure. Fortunately that one right action has changed the erroneous to the satisfactory.
3. Perfection. It haunts me, still. I've spent my life wandering around searching desperately for it. I've not yet found it - should I be writing this, then? I should. I shall never find it, but I know Someone who has. I suppose this story is not about me, but about who I am because on this Person.
4. It's a long story.
5. Blessed. That is what I am - Undeservingly, vastly blessed. Who am I to be this blessed - nobody.
1. My moto: Live, Love, Learn.
2. My wonderfully messed up life began when I was inside this fleshy, bloody, nasty ball.
3. My prefered colors are Black & White, but my life is made up of all the colors of the rainbow.
4. Small, but powerful (Rik Van Tilborg, Middle School friend).
5. Banana skin, peach hair, and apple pits.
1. Thank you for picking up a book and reading, it will do your soul so much good. Television and media are turning us all into robots. I hope that some day we will revert back to reading more often.
2. We've all had a lot of ups an downs but lets face it- mine are more interesting or I would have never written this damn thing.
3. I have never been able to figure out what I want to do with my life because I am good at everything.
4. Have you ever met someone and really let them see into all of your little secrets and lies? This is the only way I have learned to be truly loved and here is how it happened.
5. This isn't the first time I have heard that I could be famous.
1. A book. The last great foolishness of my life, which has been foolish all along.
2. Sometimes in the night God comes as a mahout on the back of an elephant. He reaches down a strong, brown hand. "Come up here," he says, and I am once again afraid.
3. Is it possible to be pregnant only, without giving birth? Could such a condition last for 61 years?
4. In the years following Nagasaki and Hiroshima, our imaginations were filled with blinding flashes and waves of force that would shatter our schoolroom windows and send shards of glass flying toward us like daggers. At the command, "Drop!" we would fall to our knees, our heads bowed between them, our right arms over our tender necks, until we were told to get up again. Those times come back to me now.
5. I am glad for a mother who grew up poor. She taught me that the longer your list of preferences, the more unhappy you are bound to be. I can still see her arched eyebrow when I confided my desire for a television.
1. This is the story of an ordinary life, no tricks, that somehow ended in the extraordinary...
2. The sky is cold when it rains, but surrounded by the smell of fish, my skin burns from the distant waters of the past...
3. The day I died was the day I lived...
4. It began, as most things, with a body that slipped into the world like a greased chicken...
5. If you are reading this, you are about to discover my horrible secret...may God help you bear it... ; D
1. "For about two years, between the ages of 9 and 11, I was obsessed with pineapples. No idea why, but now I make a living being hospitable."
2. "Let me spoil the ending: I end up writing this book."
3. "I used to think up aphorisms when I was a teenage. I figured I would know if I had made it when I had a famous quote. If you have heard my name attached to the end of a sentence before, then goal achieved."
4. "Get something to eat, use the restroom, I'll wait - this is going to take awhile to explain."
5. "I told myself I would never write an autobiography; I would be important enough that people would want to write it for me. Life lesson number one: Life is full of disappointments."
1. SoulPancake is one thing everyone should seek out one way or another b/c this one question changed everything I ever believed in......
2. Love is the one that you preached but never completely understood....life will always be full of things like this.
3. "Stop your killing Mother Nature!!!" My best friends were ants and I stole spoons from our kitchen to dig holes in the ground for no apparent reason. Being that I was a kid, I went under our dinner table (something I always did) because that was my sanctuary- and my mom couldn't find me. She came this close *holds up index and thumb to show the small amount of space* to calling the police before my brother found me....and boy did I get in trouble.
4. Be unpredictable....spontaniety is bliss. Trust me, this one time, I was almost kidnapped.
5. Farting is funny when anybody does it. I love farting, and the day that someone farts and I don't laugh....I want to die.
"Sex, lies, betrayal, God and being an individual were all she cared about...kind of funny that the only one that hung around was God." (yeah...that's not true)
"There were several moments where I wanted to turn the car around and just make it happen. I would spend days, months, years doing the right thing and making sure I made no mistakes. It's been 12 years, 3 months and 27 days since I finally put it in reverse and said 'fuck it'. I've never thanked God for the 'f' word more than I do that day. ..." (what I hope to be true)
1.It was the best of times, it was the worst of times (depending on what you choose to see) wait,wait,wait...I think that has already been used.....
2. Living life in the liminal places has given me an opportunity to see things from the cracks.... (ok, maybe not...too TMI visual)
3. Sanity is way over rated.....
4. Confusion is way under rated....
5. My life has been the ascension of a soul.....
1. When I told my grandma I was in a belly dance class, she thought I said ballet dance. I correted her and saw a look of shock and, yes, horror spread across her face. Now she probably thinks I'm going to drop out of school and become a stripper. Sorry, but nothing nearly that exciting will happen in this book. Or at least, it hasn't happened yet.
2. I once had to make a list of goals for my life, for health class. I was a freshman in high school, but I pretty much knew what I wanted to do with my life (or thought I knew, anyway). Most of the uniform-clad girls at my private school wrote things like "have children" or "go to college" or maybe, if they were ambitious, "go skydiving." My two favorites, on the other hand, were "dye my hair pink" and "hold a naked protest." I've done one of those already, and I wish I could tell you it involved me getting hauled away with cuffs on my bare arms because I stood up to The Man.
3. When I was 8, I made the mistake of reading the author's biography on the back of one of the Little House on the Prarie books. I cried for an hour when I realized that the presence of two dates meant that Laura Ingalls Wilder was dead. I mean, in the back of my mind I must have known she couldn't still be alive, but it hit me hard to realize that the girl who had dolls and went to school and fell in love had already lived her whole life. She got old and died before I was ever born. I'm not sure what this says about me, but I think it means that I care about people a lot, sometimes too much. This is still true, but luckily I didn't expect Anne Frank to still be alive.
4. Everyone collects something. My grandma has shelves full of teacups. My friend Lucy hunts down old movies. Chris watches tv and collects dust. I collect books, foreign candy wrappers, and ideas.
5. If you're like Harry in "When Harry Met Sally..." you'll probably be tempted to skip to the end of this book, just in case you die before you finish it. But it won't mean anything if you do that. So, just in case you live, start right here.
It was a dark and stormy night...
"You're full of beans!" his mother exclaimed.
In case I don't later get the chance, let me say sorry in advance.
His mind's in the stars, or else in the gutter. He sees the light from afar or he sees nothing at all. He knows he's going to fall, but he don't know how far.
Beans, beans that magical fruit...
1. I am a person that thinks in the negative and acts in the positive.
2. It was November 2004 when I decided to walk away from the life I had for a new opportunity at the life I wanted - I've never looked back.
3. When he told me we were going on tour in Europe my jaw dropped and I thought, this is the beginning of the greatest adventure of my life!
4. I can remember that day walking through the video arcade with my friend Angela and seeing him there, from a distance. I never imagined he would be the greatest love of my life.
5. I was meeting with the Pegasus I work with on the Astral Plane when he told me that I needed to write a spiritual advice column.
Blessings!
Need Advice? Looking for Inspriation? http://inspirationsfrombinah.yvettesoler.com
1. I was raised in the school system to think scientifically & logically. I graduated with a Computer Science degree.
I am now a professional photographer, I spend a lot of time admiring creative design work, and I believe in God.
What on earth went wrong - or right?
2. A huge part of my life does not even exist in the physical sense. Almost every waking hour is spent on thoughts. Even in the presence of company, or working on something or other, my mind is filled with imagined conversations & scenerios.
3. I have never been in a fist fight. Yet I believe I ought to go for anger management classes. Or take up Jeet Kun Do. Either one could come in handy in the future.
4. I'm a prankster at heart. The things I would do for a laugh if it were socially acceptable! (See Appendix for complete list)
5. This, for better or worse... is my story.
1) I was conceived by two accident-prone teenagers who, among other missteps, managed to misplace me once in a state park. It's not that they didn't care. It's just that they were high on LSD.
2) I don't remember much of my childhood. People talk about their favorite grade-school teachers, but I don't even remember grade school. I can picture the face of one teacher. But that's because he dated my mom.
3) A major turning point in my life happened in high school during a routine search of my bedroom. My stepfather, a recovered alcoholic and born-again christian, found a Cosmopolitan magazine hidden under my bed. About an hour after a scathing lecture on the satanic influence of fashion models and the dangers of dressing like a prostitute, I was homeless and dressed in a polyester Captain D's uniform. I learned two life lessons from that experience: Forgiveness builds your spirit. Living in a Chevette builds your character.
4) I'd only been dancing about three weeks when I landed a regular, repeat client -- one of the most coveted prizes in the industry. Mark was a college guy with prematurely thinning brown hair, blue eyes, and wire-rim glasses. On the night I met him, he was wearing a blue polo and jeans. He wore a lot of preppy clothes.
5) I put the barrel of the gun in my mouth and glared at Brad through the windshield. He was pacing around the garage between my blue Honda hatchback and the open kitchen door. A blend of burnt orange appliances and faux wood cabinetry formed a backdrop behind his strawberry blond hair and bony fair skin. Until that moment, I had no ideas revolvers were so heavy. I could only hold it steady by using both hands and biting hard on the end with my teeth. All the Jaw Breakers from my youth were minor infractions compared to such an unseemly Dental Don't.
The metal felt cool and smooth between my lips, a distinct contrast to the hot wooden handle, slick with sweat between my palms. The air was close, my breathing loud and deep. My heart pounded up into my ears, like listening to panic through a stethoscope. This had never been my intention. It wasn't even my gun.
1. I love mountains. I always have. There's something about them. So beautiful and strong. Maybe I love mountains because I've alwats strived to have those same qualities within myself.
2. I am me- as complicated as that.
3. "Dance like nobody's watching. Work like you don't need money. And love like you've never been hurt."
4. I'm sitting on a hotel porch near Seattle, Washington. The wind is blowing through my hair and the sun is shining on my face. I have a new journal opened to the first page- blank and waiting to be filled.
5. How can I be happy? How can I live life to its fullest? These are the biggest questions of my life.
I want people to think before they speak. I hate peas and people that make excuses for their poor excuse.
2. I love God, The Office, and Rob Thomas lyrics. Pizza is my favorite, but fish is on the menu. I have some small holes, but no permanent scars. Life has been a positive adventure!
3. The winner doesn't ALWAYS take it all, and the turtle HAS won the race.
4. Read Albert Camus. I have the book memorized word for word. Geeky, but different.
5. You could know me for my entire life and I would never tell you that I have been a member of MENSA since 1995. Yep, me. I don't have to show others my knowledge for affirmation. I can also do a flip-flop and quote Mark Twain over and over. Blondes do have more fun!
1. I really hope you aren't reading this because you think it'll be a great read. Because it won't. It will be whiny, egotistical, and self deprecating. Just like your autobiography would be, if you were to write one.
2. Hi. If you're one of those people who thinks of music as a lesser art form, shut this book now. Or keep reading and laugh at me for how wrong you think I am. Or realize that I'm not wrong at all.
3. I'm really not old enough to be writing this. I'm not even half done with my life (I hope) and I'm supposed to tell you everything that happened? I don't like unfinished stories.
4. I have an unhealthy fear of rejection. I'm actually afraid of writing this book because I'm sure no one will like it,
5. Think about everything you've ever felt. Hair brushing across your face. Someone else's hair brushing across your face. A mysterious itch. A sudden wetness in your jeans. Fat. In love. In hate. Sore. Now realize that almost everyone else in the world has felt those things. For most people, that will make you feel less alone. For a select few, it'll just make you feel more so. This book is for the select few.
1. I'd never really considered what it would take to lose my mind. Then, I got into the IB program.
2. There are very few things that I would consider myself good at. Weight lifting? No, not really. Baking souffles? Nope. Solving equations? Not at all. However, I've recently developed the amazing ability to get to know people very well and very quickly. It must be my immediately trustworthy appearance. If only they knew that they were merely a hobby...
3. There was never any doubt in my mind that I would be an artist.
4. Its been nearly seven months since I almost died. After about the first month or two, I stopped thinking about it. Stopped stressing about it. It was unnecessary... Until now.
5. I've always has this irrational fear of going first. Whether it be sitting in the first seat by the door in a classroom or being the first in line at a store, I've hated being first since I can remember. My fear has only grown as I've aged; it is expanded to include a loathing of sitting with my back to the room. This fear is where my story begins...
1. I love TV, but I don't consider myself a couch potato. I think of good TV as a novel, what's so wrong with that.
2. I at one time was a band geek. If at that time it was possible to eat music I would have.
3. If digression bothers you, I wouldn't read this book.
4. I don't like bridges. When I say this, I mean to say that I am afraid of them, but not to the point where I won't cross them.
5. If you don't like movie references, book references, or any sort of relation to anything pop culture related, this book is most definitely not for you.
1.) Things that define me: obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, compulsive need to write, optimism, and fear of birds.
2.) I don't believe in regret. However, unlike most people who believe the same I don't really take any chances. This may be a boring book.
3.) Why am I writing this? I'm not dead yet, so no one really knows about my life...
4.) I like to make lists. I like to quote things. I like to burst into song. I like to dance in grocery store aisles. I like puppies. I love writing, and I'm good at it, so read on. It gets better, I promise.
5.) People are often afraid of me.
1. Oboes, kiwis, love, a sewing machine and a few seeds seem to be what define me.
2. I still sleep with my blanket and a few stuffed kittens that I've had since I was 5.
3. Life is intriguing. No matter how you look at it, we all live and die, so it seems from the outside that is wouldn't matter what you did no matter the circumstances. This is how I made it matter...
4. No matter how talented I was or how hard I worked, nothing, well almost nothing ever worked out.
5. I frequently remember my dreams, and often nap in order to dream, because most of the time, my dreams are more exciting than my reality, but really, is there a difference?
1) no matter what happened, i always knew everything would be ok.
2) everything great i ever did, i stumbled into...
3) recurring themes of this story are eternal optimism, hopeless romantic, and never losing hope.
4) no matter how i ignored him, disobeyed him or tried to be passive towards him, God agressively and actively pursued me.
5) and so i resolved early that if i couldn't win, or fit in, they would NEVER see me sweat about it. consequently, where i was, and who i was, turned out to be the best thing.
1) I was born with an allergy to my totem animal. My life path seemed to always have that same sort of itch....
2) Thirteen tablespoons of sugar in a bowl of raisin bran makes for a good breakfast.....
3) Two things that are good to avoid- being a screaming mistress or a jailed wife of duty
4) Growing up a headmaster's daughter deluded and granted me the belief that no leader was beyond my reach......
5) Having imprinted on reruns of Little House on the Prairie created an insatiable connection to petticoats and pinafores.....
1. This is my hometown. It's not a small town. It's a big town, but a small city. This is Lexington. And this is a tree.
2. I always think that life would be so much easier if people looked for the good in others first.
3. Mr. Darcy ruined every guy I've ever met. Then, I read about Edward Cullen...Mr. Darcy is still better, he's less of a crybaby.
4. Books are great, you get to escape to another world for a while. In this one, you get to escape to mine.
5. This is my autobiography. I didn't know what that meant until I picked up a dictionary.
1. If you don't like the show The Office, you should probably stop reading: it will come up very frequently in the next 100 pages.
2. Rain is never ever something dreary.
3. What I want to be when I grow up... Never answer it! Leave your possibilities open.
4. Learn something new everyday that blows your mind (thanks SP!).
5. A follow up to number 1: If you haven't seen The Italian Job, National Treasure, or High School Musical, stop and go watch them now, I'll wait.
1. It all started tomorrow.
2. Remember that last book you read? This one will make that one look pretty good.
3. Their's no point to drama. Were all just sacks of meat.
4. Hey, we all can't be The Watchmen
5. Yesterday always looks better today
1) I thought about jumping, but I'm afraid of heights.
2) It would be best to start at the beginning, but those always start the same: birth, first tooth, first step, first kiss. So let's start with tomorrow--that's when it gets interesting.
3) Note: No matter what happens between now and the last page, it all ends with a period.
4) When the training wheels came off, things got complicated.
5) There's no way to start this thing.
1. My old brother once stuck a price tag on my forehead and tried to sell me at a family garage sale. It's hard to say if life got any better from there.
2. I once heard Barack Obama say that we (as a people) needed "a willingness to find meaning in something greater than ourselves." I thought about doing that for awhile. Instead, I wrote this book.
3. The most significant event in my life happened long before I ever had the ability to form long-term memories. It's haunted and followed me for my entire existence and I don't even remember it.
4. I could write about my mistakes, the things I've learned from them and how I moved on. I could write about the parts of my life I regret, the people I let get away and the opportunities I missed. I could write "what if's," "I should have...," "I could have..." and fill an entire library. But I'm not going to. I'm going to celebrate all the things I did right, all the things I loved, all the leaps I did take.
5. You know the stories where the heroine is down on her luck, in the dumps and then suddenly has a moment of clarity, where everything makes sense? She has this incredible realization that magically solves all of her problems, grants her all her wishes and - of course - she gets the guy? This is not one of those stories.
@absolutelylauralee My mother is the sort of women who thinks that someone is depressed can be cured with a marijuana.
It certainly made for an interesting childhood but I can not profess that it made for a good relationship.
1. There are people that are born great. People that achieve greatness. And people that grate. I am the latter.
2. This book is the Survivors Guide To Life....
3. The day I realised I was going to have to write a book, if I survived, was April 21, 2007 and I was lying handcuffed to a hospital bed. If I ever got through this, I was going to write a book.
4. What is wrong with simply being content? After a life of being told that I'm not "living up to my potential" I have to say... absolutely nothing.
5. Life, in my opinion, has always been about the little indulgences. The extra piece of cake. The stolen fifteen minutes of a turned off phone. Morning chai lattes on the deck with my Bible open. Dancing in the rain. Lindt chocolate melted into milk. You know them. The little indulgences are the things that make life worth living.
1.) I am the daughter of a woman who thinks someone who is depressed can be "cured" by going tanning. When she says these things to me, all I can think is that she will always refuse to believe that I have problems.
2.) I have problems.
3.) When people ask what my biggest fear is I always say, "that this life is a lie." Every morning this phobia stares at me as I can't feel a damn thing.
4.) My great grand father used to sing to me, "my Laura Lee! My dear Laura Lee!" When he died, I knew I would never grasp the feeling I lost that day.
5.) Don't ask me what I want to be when I grow up. Don't ask how many kids I want to have. Don't ask me anything except for "What are you doing tonight?"
1. Having cheated death at a very young age (minus 1) I feared failing at life - what big standards to live up to so young - "Well she cheated death she must be destined for great things."
2. The Navy, what I remember of it, was one giant party with "saving the world from Communism" thrown in to ease the boredom.
3. I lusted for many but loved only one
4. I always did regret "that" tattoo....no not that one "that" one.
5. I was always funny in that odd sort of way - the way when people either laugh or run away.
@cassferatu Never apologize. Your novel sounds like it could be epic.
@PopeSkippyXVI Born in a trunk in the Princess Theatre. Oh, that resonates with such beauty. You need to take that further!
1. I think those of us who were too young to remember the destruction of the Berlin Wall grew up with the vague feeling that we were robbed of our chance to see something truely great happen in on youth.
2. Throughout my youth and up until the end of high school, I was always too busy feeling lonely to realize how many truely great friendships I had.
3. As a young libertarian working on a computer science degree, there was really
only one field I was interested in: encryption.
4. When I was young my siblings and I came up with a world we called "pigland" where every single activity we did would take place. This went on for almost a full decade.
5. There was a kid in every elementary class who constantly corrected the teacher for fear that if just one of their many, MANY mistakes got through the entirety of their education would be ruined forever. I was that kid, and still very proud of it.
1. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Funny how the worst parts were always more memorable.
2. As I watched and waited patiently for the square of the DVD standby screen to hit the corner of the TV screen, I found myself wondering what had I done with my life.
3. Why was it that the remote control could never be found in the spot where I left it?
4. I never understood the phrase "couch potato". For one thing, when you're as lazy as me it doesn't really matter if you're lounging on a couch or the floor. Anything's comfortable as long as there's no athletics involved.
5. Can't imagine why anyone would be reading this. In fact, the very notion that you are reading this means:
a. you're either a 3rd class ninga hired to sneak into the home of my next door neighbor yet somehow ended up at my place and decided to grab the first thing you spotted which, low and behold, was this here dramody
or
b. you have nothing else to do
Either way, I reccommend stopping here before you find yourself having lost 5 unrefunadble hours of your life reading the abridged version of my "life". It's your call but I'd take the deal and run.
1. Detours made for the best (and worst) adventures of my concious years.
2. Somehow, baking a batch of bread from scratch was catharctic. The kneading, punching, and waiting reminded me of another place far from here.
3. I hate pickles. But a cheeseburger is never the same without the pickle juice. It's a good thing my other half likes my goo-ified pickle waste.
4. Art oozed from my pores like liquid gold. And then I got "responsible".
5. Upon stopping behind the green blazer with one of those hitch-hiders in the shape of a dolphin, my mind raced to figure out the following equation: "Snowflake+Ace Ventura+Dan Marino=Miami Dolphins." However, only "Snowflake" and "Miami" were shouted aloud, confusing my passenger. He promptly asked "Are you high?"
@RingingInMyHead Thanks. I'm actually using that in a story about myself. Who knows, maybe one day it will be finished.
1. I always felt like I had to be the center of attention in whatever room I was in.... then 8th Grade ended.
2. I've got to avoid reading anything anyone else has written. If I don't this will sound just like theirs.
3. Rome, Georgia was the kind of place to raise a kind of person like me.
4. I'm not sure what I believe. And that's only recently started to scare me.
5. As a kid, I collected wigs.
1. I was well fed, very comfortable, and warm all over. Then, that woman began to push.
2. Love never loved me, so I decided to never love love again. Just as I was begin to love my loveless stand against love, I fell in love.
3. My momma told me I was smart, but I would grow up to do many dumb things. She always made sure I knew I was loved, but sometimes loving so deeply can make you hate.
4. As I was staring at her, she glanced at me. As rhythmic vibrations flowed down my spine, I noticed her nervous smile. I found the one I sought for decades in that moment.
5. I had nothing left to lose. Impoverished, but on the beach. Joyless, yet mesmerized by the way the sun splashed itself everywhere. I jumped in.
1. There once lived a beautiful, intelligent, successful girl who always knew precisely where her life would take her. That girl was most definitely not me.
2. Some people have told me that they find me amusing. Personally I think the dryer-monkeys have infested their brains.
3. At age 5 I wrote my first song. Looking back now, I'm not sure if much has changed for me since then.
4. Fears and desires are what make a character unique. To know me, you'll first have to understand that I have many people living in my head and each and every one of them has a different fear and a different desire.
5. If there's even the slightest chance that you could have the thing you've always wanted, go out and get it. No, don't you dare try telling me it's too hard, or it won't happen, or that maybe you'll go try, some day, but not just yet. I've learned the hard way that by saying "I'll try" you're really saying "Well, I'll pretend to put some effort into it, but I just know it won't work," and that is how you fail. So take my suggestion and don't wait until you are old and grey to figure that out, go out right now and live your dreams.
What are you still doing here? That's the only useful thing I know.
I'll probably think of an actual response to this later, but for now I'll just say this:
Please, please, please don't ever write anything that starts with "Don't read this" or some variation on that sentence. It's a pointless, obnoxious way of assigning importance to your writing by pretending to reject it, and there are way too many books that have already used it.
1. Hi. I've been waiting for you.
2. This is the instruction manual for how to make a mediocre life seem more interesting. I'll tell you straight off, the key is daydreaming. Now, concerning the windtunnels next to semi trucks becoming vortexes...
3. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOW!! THERE'S A SPLINTER IN MY FINGER!!
4. I work at a sit-down restaurant. All of us hostesses and servers like to chit-chat and catch up when we work together. But when there are too many tables to bus and I can't talk to them, I tell them I have a case of "asBUStus".
If you didn't think that was funny, you have my blessing and my advice that you go do something else now.
If you laughed, great!! I thought it was hilarious too!! Next page, please!
5. In my family, we don't talk about what happened. I have never really told anyone else; the people I knew only have inklings. This is what really happened. As I remember it. Unfortunately, those might be two different things. However, my faith in my memory is why this book is going to get written.
You'd like a lapdance for $20 instead of $25, I'd like to not feel dead inside. Do you want the dance or not?
I'd like to thank the statue of limitations for allowing this autobiography to happen. Three years after my last champagne room, here are a few interesting stories.
I once spent 5 months straight out to sea. Staring at the ocean for 8 hours at a time really lets you contemplate your life. Epiphanies, anwsers and what not. I left the navy and became a stripper.
Daddy issues, drug habits, alcoholic tendancies aside strippers are a really dateable group of women. Good in bed, know how to keep you interested, make their own money, and we know what men want. If only we knew what we wanted.
My favorite time of the night is when the ugly lights come on. The same guy that maxed his credit card out, is verbally and visually assaulted until he leaves the club broken and feeling inexplicably dirty. Cue 'The Crying Game'.
Insects used to remind me of my childhood. I don't know when the transition to nostalgia to utter disgust was made.
@cassferatu Don't apologize. Yours were amazing and made me laugh a ton.
- On July 6th, 2007 I watched a man from Australia swallow a sword on top of a 12-foot unicycle while blindfolded juggling flaming sticks. Then I got drunk, realizing I had yet to do anything important with my life.
- If you've never read a book standing up before, get ready.
- I once swore to myself that I would never narrate in my head in the third or first person, as shown on television. I figured this was a gateway into multiple personalities since I would have to make up a narrator with a different voice than mine.
- There was a time in which I believed in innocence and one guiding way to find truth. Then I traveled.
- Let me tell you something about what smoking and drinking at the same: it IS all its cracked up to be and more!
1. I was born in a trunk in the Princess Theatre in Pocatella, Idaho.
2. I have a full sister that I have never met, that was raised by my natural grandparents, while I, less than a year later, the product of the same lust and lack of caution along the Red River, was given up for adoption. I don't know if it should have, but it did tell me something.
3. Aside from not expecting to even be here, I certainly never expected this.
4. The big question, I think, is not why is there pain and suffering. Shit happens. The big question is why do the evil prosper? And what does that do to the whole idea of incentives?
5. People who've known me well, have realized that the cause of my death will have a great impact upon them. If I should be hit by a bus, no time for the book and their secrets will go with me to the grave. If I am laid low by something tedious and drawn out, I might just publish this book you're reading now.
1) Memory is not nearly as reliable as we assume it is. Just ask my father, Henry Kissinger.
2) I was thirteen, I had just seen Halle Berry's boobs, and I knew what I had to do.
3) This book is lovingly dedicated to George de Mestral.
4) Oh, hello. You scared the f*ck out of me.
5) It may seem strange that a nineteen-year-old college student with hardly any noteworthy accomplishments in life has seen fit to chronicle the mundanities of his existence in literary form, but is it that much different from Twitter?
1. Born in 1968, I have lived my entire life in a country in a downward spiral from failed revolution and in a world going progressively mad over diminishing resources. Since I didn't realize any of this until I was in high school, I had a happy childhood.
2. My mother once took me aside and told me, "I love all of my children equally, but you are special." I have never asked whether she told my siblings this same thing, but it is the only recognition, fame, or accolade I've ever needed.
3. Being born human has its advantages and disadvantages.
4. The most important thing to know about me is that I often don't finish what
5. I was born approximately 4.5 billion years after the earth and am made up of the same stardust as the planets and every organic life in the universe. This fact has always made me feel both miniscule and deeply connected to everyone and everything else. Trees, dogs, sharks, the guy driving like an idiot in front of me are all my cousins.
1. My life has always been complicated. From the time I literally fell down the stairs and teachers thought my parents beat me, to the time I beat myself up for not coming back sooner, and all the times in-between only one word could describe it: complicated.
2. I was the only child until age four, the eldest of two until age seventeen, and come high school graduation I was the middle of five AND the middle of four.
3. My high school drumline instructor told me my sophomore year âDonât be the one who sucks the worstâ and Iâve tried to live by his wise analogies ever since.
4. Someone once told me it doesnât matter how fast or slow you go in life as long as you stay in your own lane. It took me years to understand what he meant, and by then it might have been too late.
5. Iâve never been great at communicating my inner-most thoughts, so I generally turn to music lyrics/famous quotes to get the point across: âI have these dreams in the back of my mind, but they never pan out unless I wake up and try.â My life is a story of dreams that I took way to long to wake up from.
1) Destiny seemed to chase me from the beggining, why it never cought me or why I never returned the favor I may never know.
2) As I write this first page in the story of my life, I wonder who will write it's last, and what those words will be.
3) What are you doing? Put this book down and go read a worthwhile piece of literature! That being said...
4) What defines a man more than his heart, and how can a heart be communicated in mere black and white sansarif script? But than, what are words but an oproximation of the heart?
5) My life has always felt like a trip that never quite reaches it's destination, but I've always counted myself lucky that it was never a lonely journey.
1.) To write an autobiography assumes I have had an experience that is worth sharing...let's spend the next few hundred pages figuring out what the hell it is.
2.) To read this book you need to listen Charles Webster's "Born on the 24th of July." Not that I like Charles Webster or that is a great album, but it is the soundtrack for the day of my birth.
3.) "If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." yeah I know it is plagarism but Oprah might like that line and I need her support to sell books.
4.) I grew up in trailer and never knew that there was anything abnormal about that until I fell out of bed in college and the concrete floor broke my fall.
5.) My first gifts as a child was a Neiman Marcus Teddy Bear, it was blue. With a touch of creativity I named my bear, my childhood friend, "Blue Bear." That Teddy Bear was the last thing from Neiman Marcus I would ever own.
1. I'm synonymous for farting. Everywhere I go it just so happens that nature calls, so I leave my distinct mark.
2. I've lived everywhere, a third world country, a place where people could wear their Rainbows all year round, and now I'm currently biting the Big Apple. Hurry the fuck up!
3. Jack Johnson, weed, yankee hat, and now currently Mr. black beans, Is he my Mr. Big?
4. Iâve never been in love before. Iâm the type of girl who runs away when she starts feeling butterflies in her stomach. However, this summer I didnât run away and I fell in love hard and fast.
5. It's not me. It's called COLLEGE.
@cassferatu What are you kidding? Don't apologize for saying what's on your mind.
I just realized how much I wrote...
Sorry about the accidental novel.
:-s
1. When I was five, I would play mini-golf in my underwear in the hallway of my house, eat large quantities of toothpaste and dance vigorously while listening to Prince. Two of those things have changed.
2. You are reading my autobiography, I assume, because you are interested in what I have to say. Because of this, I wish to begin by offering you two pieces of sound advice. The first can be hard to stick to, but it is paramount to a happy life. No matter how well a company offers to pay you, it is never worth the emotional black pit you will end up in if you work at a job you can't stand. The second is much easier; never eat yellow snow.
3. When creating a fictional character, many writers will tell you that their hopes and fears are the defining aspect. So, if you want to know me, know this; my fear is of black holes, and my hope is that Earth will never be swallowed up by one. The universe is a big place, and this planet is just a tiny speck of dust in comparison. I suppose this is why the idea of a giant cosmic vacuum has always scared the crap out of me.
4. My life up to this point has been a round-trip train ride. Now at 22, I am right back where I began, with empty pockets and a sinking suspicion that I have spent a whole lot of time and money on absolutely nothing.
and lastly, in case I don't get a chance to finish writing it before I drop dead, this would be at the start of my posthumously released autobiography;
5. I always knew I was going to die young. Don't get me wrong -- it wasn't something I wanted, or something I planned. It was just something I knew, like when you're driving up to traffic lights and slow down because you know they are about to turn red.
1-once upon a time ....
2-the fact that by the time i was 10, i had endured more abuse than most do in a lifetime should tell you how this book goes.
i don't know why this is a hard task... i give up
1. There was a time when I had certainty.
2. A series of uniquely beautiful and uniquely flawed women wrote the story of my life.
3. Our lives are contingent on a billion billion decisions which seem at the time to matter little.
4. I can only feel awe at the path I have woven through this world.
5. Women ran my life, and you are no different.
1. It's been said that she will cut a b.
2. I've always been hard headed. Even when it came down to writing this book. No one could tell me what to write.
3. When I was little my mother asked my sister and I what we wanted to be when we grew up. Amanda (my sister) said "An elephant." (She was 5). At that very moment I knew I wanted to become a writer.
4. I didn't know what the word "lesbian" meant until I was 12. My mother asked me "Who tries to get you to become a lesbian?" To which I quickly responded with my sister's name. "No, Sarah, who are two women that live together?" I knew instantly that she meant my Aunts. So, in my mind a lesbian was a woman who lives with another woman on a farm with horses. No harm in that right?
5. I've always tried to live my life without being a statistic. Until I realized that all m life that's all I've been.
1. Hahahaha, hahahaha, haha. Ha. Really?
2. They always told me I'd never write a book. I guess they were right. Wait...
3. I'll save you from reading through to the end to get to the point. The point is it's not about what you do or where you do it, it's WHO you are. We all need to start with the who. Allow me to begin.
4. "Can I hold your hand?"
5. This is the melancholy, true story of a someone who never found out what he most truly desired to do.
1. It all goes back to the Christmas I stopped my dad's abuse with a kitchen knife...
2. I was supposed to be somebody.
3. It's so hard living life as the smartest person in the room.
4. First off: this book will never be an Oprah's Book Club⢠selection.
5. Finnegan, begin again.
1.Before you read I have a question, Why are you reading this book? Please email me your response
2.Forest Gump's Momma always said "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get" Words to live by.
3.Sometimes I ask myself if I've lived a good life, i guess I have if you're reading this
4.I hope that this book is good enough for you... if not, Well too bad sucka! no refunds! MUAH HA HA HA HA
5.Hello there world, this is my book. Come inside and read me. That's What She Said.
1. As I frantically dug through my tattered purse only to find my car keys already in my hand, I realized I didn't even have to go to work for four more hours.
2. Sharks, why did it have to be sharks!
3. When I said "I love having an arms full of weiners..." I meant my two dachshunds Willow and Tara!
4. The love I feel for my family can only grow as the years pass.
5. Was that a chicken? Something shiney? Oooooh, pretty rock!
My mother has always, rather poetically, described my birth as being "as easy as farting".
(I think that counts for all 5!)
1. I've always been afraid of dying.
2. I've always been afraid of losing my mind.
3. I believe the myth that you will die if you have a dream about falling and you actually hit the ground instead of waking up pre-impact.
4. My sister is white.
5. I lost my virginity to a soldier.
1) This is going to be pretty boring, I'm warning you right now.
2) Have I ever got a lot to say!
3)
ahh, this is tough. I just read a great autobiography and I feel like I can't live up to it!
1. I will always be some what conflicted over being the coolest girl, no one ever knew.
2. Of all the crap that life dealt me, the best thing that has ever happened is my husband. He makes my story complete.
3. She lived a life that certain people would understand. Those who dealt with the muck and still managed to shine.
4. I strived to be like Claire and Cliff, my kids will thank me later.
5. For a girl from small town PA, she sure had wonderful mind set.
1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
2. Call me Ishmael.
3. In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth.
4. There was no possibility of taking a walk that day.
5. She meant well, but lacked originality.
1. The end of this story is very far from the beginning.
2. Why did I ever leave Texas?
3. Thank God for the other people in my life, or else this story would be really boring.
4. Martin Luther King once said, "Intelligence plus character, that is the goal of true education" Hopefully, my story comes somewhere close.
5. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
1. While I understand the entire sum text of this book is wholly unbelievable - it did happen exactly as written. However, should there be something contained in these pages that may lead to my imprisonment.. it was all a bunch of crap.
2. My mother has spent a lifetime telling me that she and my father do not play favorites - that everything has been even and fair. My parents said my anger and resentment is just based on an imagined injustice. You be the judge.
3. This will not be a book about whining. I don't whine - I go crazy.
4. Crazy is the product of many generations pretending it doesn't exist. We all inherit the wind when it finally breaks down our door.
5. Since my daughter could truly comprehend - I told her "there is no such thing as a good secret... secrets are hurtful, damaging things - and if someone tells you *not* to tell something when you're a child, it's probably the one thing you need to tell your mother." It's taken me half a lifetime to tell my secrets.. and my heart still pounds from all the "don't tell's" that have been whispered along the way...
** this one sentence is the hardest part for me about writing my novel.
1. It was a dark and stormy night. (just kidding, I always wanted to say that!)
2. Looking down at the linoleum floor I realized that there were 40 feet in a 10 foot space. My life was cluttered with the remnants of others lives.
That's all I got.
1. If you can know me in person why bother reading this book?
2. Bad News!! you just bought an unfinished book. Sorry
3. Thank you for my family, friends and readers for your effort to try to understand me
4. I believe that: "Love is what matters in this world"
5. Copyright April 2009.
one day if I do publish my book, i will remember this.
1. In my world, if you're on time you're late, if you're early, you're on time. I am, of course, exempt from this rule. I never get anywhere on time.
2. Considering the amount of thing I've caught on fire accidentally, it's amazing this manuscript made it this far. Of course, I never took it to the kitchen, just to be safe.
3. I'd like to start out by thanking Mom, who might be the only person to read this...
4. For being having always been sober, drugs and alcohol have changed my life more than you might think.
5. I got the idea to write my autobiography from this neat little site, www.soulpancake.com, who unfortunately refused to pay for this neat bit of free advertising I gave them just now.
DISCUSSION TOOLSET
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