List Five Possible Openings For Your Autobiography
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
1. The words 'Peanut Butter' and 'I love you' are going to be excessively used throughout this novel.
2. I never did like milk.
3. I've always hated my name: Eva Alexis Carrillo. The word 'Carrillo' just sounded nasty to me. Bleh.
4. I think this book is going to be boring, BUT, that's for you to decide. It's just gonna be a mess of thoughts and actions that I've wished I could've done. Man, I suck.
5. I've always wanted to go to an era that was just mixed with all those rad decades like the 60's, 70's, 80's and possibly the 90's. That would've been so awesome.
1. Songs of Solomon 8:6,7
2. I am having a love affair with God.
3. Creativity.Love.Purity.
4.I am me because I am in Him.
5. Ephesian 5:1
1. With two opposing sides pumping far-fetched idealogy into one, yet fragile mind, there thrived a young philosopher, destined to remain anwerless.
2. The base of this life begins years before it started, in the hands of two couples seperated by oceans. My grandparents, battling the adversity of social stigmas. Both couples raised two children who would oneday meet, marry, and let their souls decompose. And what was their demise, became the stepping stones of one child, questioning everything. I digress:
3. The line between truth and falsity blurs, those who Darwin's theory would favour run from there, and find solice in ignorance. But I was never the fittest, and chose to live in this mixed reality, casting light in all directions, finding truth in the lies of my childhood.
4. A mind tortured and nurtured can create many things, and it's philosophy can lead astray. This has grown in such a mind: enjoy responsibly.
5. Memories, seen through panes of stained glass, scatter, frightened to be revealed when I reach inside my mind. Should evil be unveiled, I apologize. Should I lie to cover up the evil, I do it for your and my own good, and I apologize for that as well; if there's one thing this life has spoken to me, is that the truth is important. But my language is made of lies.
1. If you want something full of adventure, mystery and romance, put this book down and get another one. If you want a story full of heartbreak and pondering identity you have come to the right place.
2. This book is better if you skim it first, think what the hell, then read it again.
3. This is my life, i hope you like it.
4. Why the hell are you reading about my life you pervert!!
5. If you are the stalker that leaves dead roses on my doorstep please go away
1. This is a history of shit.
2. In youth, ignorance, I was itinerant.
3. A poor son of a visionary and the poor daughter of a vagrant had sex in Seattle in the late eighties. Consequences:
4. Vines; vines; vines; vines; insanity; birth on the first day of summer.
1. Welcome to my life.
2. Welcome to my life, abridged.
3. So you really had nothing better to do than read about some stranger's life? Really? Nothing at all? No friends to visit? No good movies out? Nothing on TV? How's your mom doing? Maybe you should call her. You're still here, eh? Alright then we shall move on ahead.
4. There once was a girl who's mind had thought up brilliant solutions to the world's greatest problems. She saved numerous people in her many adventures around the globe. Her life is the ideal model of the perfect human being. This is not that girl...
5. You know how sometimes you have to think to yourself, "how can I waste my time at a greater rate than what I am achieving currently?" This is the result of that thought.
1. All my life I have craved understanding: my understanding of others and theirs of me. I have understood many and been understood by few. This is a story about those few.
2. There once was a girl who wanted only 3 things from life: intellectualism, great sex, and coffee. This is her story.
3. When I was young, I had a regular habit of talking to trees. What I did not realize was strange at the time was that they often answered.
4. I will not question your motives for reading this if you do not question my motives for writing it. or doing any of the things in it. take notes. learn. within these pages lie the detailed outlines of many mistakes you will never have to make.
5. You may not know this yet. but though I have not yet even begun, I can tell you that our story is not over. You may be the one I fall in love with and with whom I live happily ever after. as of now, the last few pages are blank.
... destined for brilliance. His name was Justice. And hers? Julienne. Honestly; what do you expect? That's just a way to cut carrots."
this in regards to my brother and me-- that definitely explains it.
1. how would you break an arm
2. regret is for the soft of heart, and hard of head.
3. in the beginning there was god, in the end there was god, and in between, there was every one else, and in the middle of all that, there i was trying find someone to talk to.
4. im almost dead, so i want someone to hear my story.
5. to my love, and to everyone that has loved me in return.
1. It took me a while to get here, and to love being here. To love this moment. And now that I'm here, I refuse to leave.
2. The day he came into my life, my world came together. The day he left, my world fell apart. But, as always, there was a story between the two.
3. Everthing I need to know in life I learned from a barman in a downtown pub.
4. I was brought up in a nice little Christian home - mother, father, over-protective grandparents, and the cutest puppy ever. I thought Christianity was about going to church on Sunday, being a good person, and always being happy. Then I met a man named Jesus Christ, and he wrecked my happy little existence.
5. A wise man once said "If fact be truth, then the truth hurts"...ok, he wasn't a wise man, but at 2am after a couple of shots, it sounded really deep...as did my life story.
I wonder how the world would have been, had I not been born. Would anyone have been lost without me? Would my parents still be together? Would my siblings never have been born as well? Would my fiance be in the arms of another woman? Thank God we'll never know.
I doubt it matters to you that I once hit a fence pole head on while learning to ride a bike. I also doubt you'd care that I jumped off the roof of my grandparents garage after watching Dumbo for the first time because I thought my ears would expand and that I could fly. I'll tell you about those times anyway since you already bought the book.
Who could have known that an adolecence full of cocaine, Flogging Molly, sex with strangers and way too much coffee would end up so wonderfully? And I thought I was going to hell...
When I was 7 I fell off a jungle gym right onto my back, oddly enough all I could think of at the time was an eagle that had snatched a chapati from my hand earlier. When I was 14 I fell off a bunk bed onto my back, that time my mind was blank.
The word "Love" is an odd one isn't it? How can one word so encompass all manner of emotion. I can say "I love my mother" or "I love food" and they both make perfectly good sense but that doesn't mean I would like to eat my mother or would have like my ancestors to have been aubergines.
Why isn't life enough?
I am a ghost writer and this is someone else's story.
I once participated in an exercise to list five possible opening for my biography. I am not using any of them.
I. There's a lot to be said for a chipped porcelain coffee mug.
II. A governor, a rodeo clown and a laundry technician walk into Ruby's lounge...
III. When the pain started, I was leaning against the pens, examining the flaking rust on my hands. Painting cattle pens - what an exercise in futility.
IV. Haven't you your own ilife to live; your own autobiography to write? Feigning interest in another's shortcomings can hardly be considered resourceful.
V. I always considered that building relationships was a superficial waste of time.
Mental atrophy should be avoided at all costs, I avoided it thus.
Self belief can be as big a motivator as self loathing, but an equal balance of both can lead to epic procrastination, except in this case.
When you meet someone who just gets you, drop your guard and hold your breath. I did, and my heart nearly burst.
Checking out of the 'brush brigade' was the best thing I have ever done. A turning point in my life in so many ways. It's been an eye-opening few years.
I am me.
I cannot remember what innocence felt like, but I can remember what it felt like to lose it.
My decisions have always been what has suffocated my dreams.
When life threw me lemons, I buried them and tried to forget about them. Then, one day, a lemon tree grew.
Getting married too young taught me to trust myself more than anyone.
If I get even a little upset I puke. Not the anorexic kind of puke, but the whatever-is-inside-of-me-is-making-me-sick kind of puke.
1. Someone smacked my ass, I took a deep breath.
2. My shoes are really bothering me today;life never slows down long enough for me to get those insoles I see on the television.
3. The cardboard box I was using as a spaceship was in danger of melting in the rain. So I removed my spaghetti strainer space helmet and docked my ship in the garage.
4. I wasn't sure what this crying, blood-soaked little critter was going to think of me when she finally opened her eyes. All I knew in that moment of pure adrenaline, excitement and fear, was that I thought the world of her.
5. It took me 30 years to realize that I would never be an astronaut.
- Whenever I stand on a street corner, I imagine my death or the death of my loved ones. I succumb to the expected grief for the briefest of moments. I take a breath then keep walking.
- Everyone believes that I am better than I actually am. Smarter, more creative, kinder, funnier. They are wrong. You. Are wrong.
1. I wish I could come up with something as epic as "In the beginning", unfortunately this will have to do.
2. Whenever I walk down stairs I imagine myself falling down and create the worst possible scenario in my mind, and smile to myself when I make it down unscathed.
3. I have never gotten over the fact that I never received my acceptance letter into Hogwarts, here is the life I was forced to live in the shadow of that disappointment.
4. The sun annoys me, I am perhaps the only person who is able to be annoyed by sunshine.
5. Wasn't life supposed to be like the Bearnstein Bears? Where are the treehouses?
1. I never really thought I'd kill myself setting rafters in the top of a barn in the winter. But here I am, on the hard dirt floor of the barn, an oak beam on top of me, dying...
2. Somebody, someone's daughter - she's standing all alone, with legs that are longer than this room... In a house, at a party, up on Shook Avenue... Well, I never meant to stay here this long...
3. Today I ate raw fish for the first time... Now, let me backtrack through all the events that brought me to tell you that.
4. I would rather spend my days lounging in a pool with a cold beer. But, as the economic downturn has turned my best friends an family into murderers and cannibals, I've locked myself in my basement and all I can do is eat soup and write...
5. I'd like to introduce you to myself. Wait - that's lame. Let's start over...
1. I willingly bought a box of kashi cereal. And I willingly bought a box of trix cereal. In the same day. And that is my autobiography.
2. Just because i took a key to my guitar to make it look "retro" doesn't make me a poseur does it? Does it? Just because I put an "Ithaca Is Gorges" bumper sticker on my car even though I live miles away from Ithaca doesn't make me a poseur does it? Does it?....okay it does.
3. It's too bad you'll forget about me an hour after finishing this book.
4. I dont take steps, I play a beat with my feet.
5. Before you read this, maybe you should worry about your own life, instead of mine.
1. As much as I regret things from the past, I'm generally happy, and if there's one thing I hope you learn from this, it is to be happy in the end.
2. Misunderstood genius does not fit me. Outgoing prodigy doesn't work either. I'm grey in a world that is black and white.
3. This is evidence that it does not matter what you think of yourself because everyone will always have something to say.
4. How do you overcome the fear of something you're not even aware you're afraid of?
5. If you're reading this, it means that the ideas I have in my head finally came out in music or some sort of creative medium and resonated in at least one person. If that is the case, I think I've done what I needed to do.
1. When I was 17 I sold my soul to a grocery store for $8.00 an hour, two years later I have yet to get it back.
2. My life has always been a very funny cautionary tail. Things never go the way that I plan them, and I expect that. I embrace these adventures, and because of that I have many stories to tell.
3. People tend to think that I'm a nice person, but really I don't know why? Maybe it's because they never get to hear what I say about them behind their backs. I think if they did they would change their minds. You see, I can only be funny when the joke is at the sake of another person.
4. Some people say that there are no stupid questions, I beg to differ.
5. When I got up today my feet hit the floor, so I guess were off to a good start.
@lovedaCHUB loveee your second one! lol...i always think that!but im pretty sure no matter how many time i get screwed over i'll never learn lol...also...your fourth one is greaat...i would totally read a book that opened that way!lol
1. People may think they know everything about me, which is why they may think this book wont have anything they don't already know. What they don't know is that I don't think everyone knows anything about me for two reasons: One is I'm scared to let people see everything and the other is I don't even think I know everything about me. So in this book I'll try my best, but you should probably know beforehand that this most likely won't be a complete autobiography of me.
2. I love the beach. Not because of the sand that you play with in between your toes, or the water that splashes against your legs on a warm day. I love it because its the one place I know I can go by myself to get away from everything and for that short time in life, absolutely nothing else matters.
3. People may think I'm naive. The difference between me and someone that really is naive is that I know whats going on. I just choose to not deal with it, or accept it and move on.
4. I tend to think that everything happens for a reason. Everything that happens to me I think was supposed to and although I had the power to change it, or the power to make a decision, I chose one thing over the other for some greater reason than what I know. I take responsibility for anything that happens in my life, but also have this idea that my life was supposed to be like that anyway. I can still change it, and if I want to I will; but I knew it was going to happen in some way, I'm just not mentally capable of realizing that or something.
5. I'm twenty and scared to death of what will happen when I finish college. My thoughts are possibly grad school when I'm done, but I'm scared that I will just use school as an excuse to escape the real world for the rest of my life.
@jaclynsawyer yay! i always thought that i was the only person on this earth that dispised fresh tomatoes. w00t! =)
1. I lie a lot. No, not lie, just embellish stories more often than not. That was a lie. Don't trust anything written in this book, it's probably an exaggeration. Exaggeration is my sugar-coated word for "just made up in my head as I'm writing".
2. I'm twenty years old, in college, and still waiting for "the best time of my life" to begin. Meanwhile, I'm definitely missing it.
3. Awkwardness is a second language to me. Soooo....thaaanks for reading my book......Yeeeeeeah.
4.I want theme music. Like, right now in the very beginning it would play something like "Welcome to the Jungle" or something. My psych professor would say that my selection of that song means something about me. I think it means that my psych professors a nutcase. I guess me calling him a nutcase is somehow significant in explaining my persona too, though.
5. I'm sick of playing a supporting role in my own story.
1/ Disclaimer: I have written most of the following tale of my life by copy/pasting phrases from other people's biographies, though every now and then I'll say something true.
2/ I have never played the lead in my own life.
3/ I hope you got this book for free, my friend.
4/ I'm a drinker with a writing problem, so bear with me.
5/ Boy am I glad that I've hired someone to do most of this for me.
1. I always wished my mother had named me Penny.
2. I'd be a much better person if I wasn't so fucking nice.
3. The trade off to being chubby; big tits. God is just.
4. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an orgasm and piss simultaneously. I'm sure it would be fantastic! I need to either find a man with a urine fetish or use my vibrator on the toilet. Nice to meet you.
5. I LOVE MEN.
1. Up to this point my whole life has been a lie, I've spent my entire life lying to please other people and making sure they are happy. I've neglected my own happiness in doing this.
2. I'm a gay, disabled, atheist, could I be any more different?
3. My one true friend has always been music, its always there when I need it, music has never lied to me, and if I don't like its opinion I can press skip.
4. I relate to noone.
5. I have a fear of everything.
1-I don't like fresh tomatoes. I like cooked tomatoes, ketchup, tomato soup, fried green tomatoes. I just can't eat them as they are.
2-I've spent my entire life trying to please other people and make sure they are happy. I've neglected my own happiness in doing this.
3-I remember the small insignificant things in my life. If I still remember them, were they really that insignificant?
4-I am a notorious procrastinator, that's why I'm going to write this later.
5-A good cup of hot tea always makes everything seem a little better. Pour yourself a cup right now, it's going to be a long journey...
1. My mom is a kindergarten teacher. She takes five minutes to answer a question. She thinks Dr. Suess is the smartest man that ever lived. My mom can't order in the drive-thru, or remember to pay the water bill. I'm just like her.
2. I've told hundreds of people that I love them, and it wasn't a problem until someone took me seriously.
3. When I was twelve I saw a video of Janis Joplin performing at Woodstock. I'm still not the same.
4. When people say "live without regret", I laugh. Who decided living without regret was a good idea?
5. Yeah. My dad's a rockstar. But I was voted most likely to be on SNL in the eleventh grade.
@ohitsrebecca - yours is my favorite. Thank you for a glimpse into your soul.
1.) I was once told by a magician, who took his name from a Dicken's novel, to do everything i do better. This put me on track to become a great director and person, immersing myself in art and language and the history of being.
2.) I thought i'd write the truth, but being as I've lied more than i've truthed, i think i'll stick with what works the best.
3.) Acting doesn't have anything on living and i see that now.
4.) As Bukowski said, "don't try"
5.) Some say all you need is love, but i think thats a bunch of bullshit.What about a house and some clothes, perhaps that obnoxiously large flatscreen LED robot fuckdoll HDTV? and let me tell you i can't live without cellphones and cameras, ipods (not mp3 players) and MACS. I LOVE THIS MACHINE. so i guess in a way, all you need is love and something to save that love to be remembered years later when that love is old and wilted.. or making tracks to the nearest train station with your wallet and pants.
1. Be warned I think in metaphor and talk in similies.
2. Contrary to popular belief I am indeed a black man.
3. Tactfully Classless. You'll probably not enjoy this.
4. I trust no one.
5. If you wanna laugh keep reading. Im 12th street puddle New York deep.
1. I always planned to be the crazy cat lady in the New York apartment, I just didn't plan for it to be this soon.
2. No, I'm not big boned and it's not in my genes. I eat a lot of sweets and lost the will to exercise.
3. I'm sorry, I didn't think anyone would hear me curse in church.
4. I tried to love him the best he I could, but I guess some people are, were made to be alone. And I guess I'm one of them.
5. I lived my life the best of my abilities. And now I entrust in you the task of reading and deciding if I failed.
-- Sorry to disappoint you right from the jump, but I had a happy childhood.
-- I honestly think the world would be a kinder place if women wore more red lipstick and men wore more pinstripes. Maybe not kinder, but definitely more fabulous.
-- Yes, I'm from New Orleans. Yes, my house was flooded in Hurricane Katrina. Yes, I'm gonna talk about it.
-- Don't believe the hype you hear about New Orleans. We're not always wasted and flashing our tits on Bourbon Street. We're usually just buzzed in the privacy of our own home.
-- My greatest accomplishment is that I quit biting my nails. But I still smoke, so there's nowhere to go but up!
1. I remember seeing a duck dunk its head in the water and its tail end stick up. She had her chicks by her and they followed suit. I envied them making it look so easy.
2. Nothing is wrong with dipping French fries into vanilla ice cream. Nothing.
3. I open my mouth and try to speak to you, but I can't. It's not that I can't find the words; I just don't know where to begin.
4. I find it way easier to talk with my eyes closed. I find it easier to smile with my eyes closed. I don't recommend doing either of these while walking because you can hit doors.
5. My mind is my own friend and enemy. Sometimes I really would love to listen to what my heart wants, but my brain is an overbearing SOB.
1. I probably didn't mean to offend you. I'm just tactless. It's a blessing and a curse, really, because not everyone likes to hear the truth. I think that hearing the truth makes things simpler, and I think it makes me stronger. I don't hear it quite often enough, though.
2. I keep dripping coffee on my jeans. The cups at the cafe are environmentally friendly, but not always up to par when it comes to containing liquid. And it drips on my jeans. I don't mind. My hanes white tee is still fresh and clean. No one is going to notice those little drips of coffee on my jeans, unless they come and look very very closely.
3. I've always wanted my life to be like a movie, and every other moment, I feel like it is...only better. You just can't write this stuff.
4. Someone very close to me once told me I should live without regret. I try to. Sometimes I think I should regret, but I don't. I don't know for sure if that's a good thing.
5. I can't say I've ever been at a loss for words. And it's my downfall.
1. I'd like to let you know that no matter how hard I tried, I could have done better. I've made mistakes but never regrets. I've done things I never thought I would do. And even though my life isn't over yet, I feel as though I could die tomorrow and that would be alright.
2. I say "I love you" too much. It's strange how I can totally displace myself from three words that people all over the world are dying to hear. It's not that I haven't been in love. Or that I haven't had my heartbroken. I've just always been able to feel nothing when I want to and feel everything when I need to.
3. Looking back on it all, I could have done something about where I've ended up. I could have turned that corner or bought that shirt or loved you. I guess in the end we all have decisions we had to make and I have to be okay with where mine have gotten me. Even if it's not where I want to be.
4. I'd rather have something simple. A simple house in a simple city with a simple life. I read so many books and watched so many movies as a child where people strived for something greater than they are. I'd rather just snuggle up with someone and listen to the rain fall. Maybe, it's my lack of motivation or the fact that I don't have the means to go looking for more. Maybe, there's something wrong with me. Or maybe there's something wrong with you.
5. I think too much. No. Scratch that. I daydream too much. Many people don't see the difference in these two things. Thinking is when you're trying to figure something out, trying to analyze what just happened or what you should do or all of the above. Daydreaming is when your mind travels to places and people and things that you can never have and can only imagine about. I daydream too much, but I guess that's because I don't have very much to think about.
1. Sadism has such a negative stigma attached to it. I love chaos and confusion. I think in frantic, serious and heart-pumping situations we learn things about ourselves.
2.) Hate is the most honest emotion. It's ridiculously easy to find out if someone hates you.
3.) Love is the most dishonest emotion. There's is no way to truly know if someone loves "you." The insincerity some have when using the word is revealed almost immediately.
4) Everyone has an agenda, an ideology that they live by. This is why I embrace cynicism. No one can be truly trusted.
5.) We all have to play with the cards we're dealt. Some have royal flushes and hit the ground running, while others have no pairs of any kind and they do their best to buff their way to the jacket pot...or just mope, get up from the table and accept negativity.
1. I am misplaced, altho happy, still misplaced..
2. I love mixing church and state, politics and religion, oil and water, all the things that shouldnt mix. I love mixing
3. Difference is good
4. If we all held respect and compassion for our fellow man at the core, life would be good...now think about this hard...it is true!
5. Why? why?...why?
5.
Hints for reading this book:
1. If you haven't brought your sense of humor forget about it.
2. You can drag the girl out of the Rocky Mountains, but you can NEVER get the mountains out of the girl.
3. You can pretty much skim over the middle part: Its just about 20 some odd years of trying to get free.
4. It probably ends up being about that crazy lady who has long grey hair and too many critters.
5. That stuff about all gods being one god and us all being of one spirit - that turns out to be true.
1. I was born. My Mother, later, would tell me, in front of several others, that I was born into the wrong family - one may imagine how upsetting that new was. That comment was made in a time when I believed that everything mom said was a fact - I know, now, the comment was an opinion.
2. I think, now, I've done it mostly wrong. I did one thing right, for sure. Fortunately that one right action has changed the erroneous to the satisfactory.
3. Perfection. It haunts me, still. I've spent my life wandering around searching desperately for it. I've not yet found it - should I be writing this, then? I should. I shall never find it, but I know Someone who has. I suppose this story is not about me, but about who I am because on this Person.
4. It's a long story.
5. Blessed. That is what I am - Undeservingly, vastly blessed. Who am I to be this blessed - nobody.
1. My moto: Live, Love, Learn.
2. My wonderfully messed up life began when I was inside this fleshy, bloody, nasty ball.
3. My prefered colors are Black & White, but my life is made up of all the colors of the rainbow.
4. Small, but powerful (Rik Van Tilborg, Middle School friend).
5. Banana skin, peach hair, and apple pits.
DISCUSSION TOOLSET
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